Monday, December 3, 2012
End..Week...WeakEnd...
Well got through the weekend...was not so bad I guess. The holidays are really helping keep my mind active and off from what DHH does...for fun...to cause me pain!
I know he knows that I know...why does he not just talk about it...apologize even! I am still so confused as to why he is with me...leave if your not happy...or dont love me...how could he love me...when he enjoys hurting me...how can you not care if you hurt someone you share your life with? I will never understand!!!
So...anywho...back to me...lol...today starts my "watch what I eat" plan...hopefully it doesnt turn into actually just watching what I eat! LOL....but today I have wanted this this and oh yeah...this...but I kept telling myself no and settled for a bowl of oatmeal...it was not so bad.
I really want to get myself to a point where I am eating to live not for enjoyment and find other things to do for enjoyment. I notice I have begun associating food with fun..and fun with food...this is not good, and I must stop! I would love to be back to at least 200 by the time swim season kicks off...I know being smaller will allow me to be a better runner and quicker..lol..and I really want to get into the running circuit...but I know just yet...I need to condition myself...at least through the winter. I figured watch what I eat...walk a few times a week and start changing my mindset.
Lets see where I am next week!
I know he knows that I know...why does he not just talk about it...apologize even! I am still so confused as to why he is with me...leave if your not happy...or dont love me...how could he love me...when he enjoys hurting me...how can you not care if you hurt someone you share your life with? I will never understand!!!
So...anywho...back to me...lol...today starts my "watch what I eat" plan...hopefully it doesnt turn into actually just watching what I eat! LOL....but today I have wanted this this and oh yeah...this...but I kept telling myself no and settled for a bowl of oatmeal...it was not so bad.
I really want to get myself to a point where I am eating to live not for enjoyment and find other things to do for enjoyment. I notice I have begun associating food with fun..and fun with food...this is not good, and I must stop! I would love to be back to at least 200 by the time swim season kicks off...I know being smaller will allow me to be a better runner and quicker..lol..and I really want to get into the running circuit...but I know just yet...I need to condition myself...at least through the winter. I figured watch what I eat...walk a few times a week and start changing my mindset.
Lets see where I am next week!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Trip to Disney...
Our trip to disney was magical...fantastic...although I am sure my DHH would have rather been there with someone else...probably anyone else! Why he stays ... I dont know! Maybe to lazy to leave...to scared...or just takes delight in keeping double lives...who know..and guess what...I dont care anymore.
At this point...Im glad he doesnt want me...because I no longer want him....
Here I am at Disney....looking large...uncomfortable...and a small tiny bit happy....happy because I am with my children...happy to be at disney...happy to be alive.
One day I will go back...and be in all the photos...and proud of who I am!
At this point...Im glad he doesnt want me...because I no longer want him....
Here I am at Disney....looking large...uncomfortable...and a small tiny bit happy....happy because I am with my children...happy to be at disney...happy to be alive.
One day I will go back...and be in all the photos...and proud of who I am!
A Beginning to the End
For now this is private...but one day...I will share the moments that I am about to embark on. I am 37 years old, two kids, a half husband, dog and cat. I live in a suburban suburb that is less than superb and I feel like I am in a cave...stuck in hibernation...and cant awaken.
Well guess what...I am WAKING UP!!!!
Today I found out some disturbing news....my DHH, (dear half husband), has some extra curricular activities that he chooses to keep disclosed from me. He has found a new hobby of supporting other women and their needs, dreams, hopes, and wishes...of course while all scantily clad. The website mygirlfund is quite amusing really...all these young girls basically begging for money while exposing themselves for it while old bastard men...such as my DHH...amuses themselves into thinking they matter.
Maybe I should back up here...Maybe this would not be a problem if my DHH and I had a healthy normal intimate life but we dont. As a matter of fact he has not interest in me whatsoever! He has not touched me intimately in almost a year and only 2 time thus far this year! I am anxious to see what next year holds for us.
It has came about that he has his own secret life, I guess I just stumbled in the rabbit hole and found it. I could take the victim role...again...as I did with my ex...but this time...NO...Im done! Im done with the hurt, the humility, the pain that it causes me emotionally. Guess what...I DONT care anymore!
So...today...I get myself back...I get revenge maybe...I find freedom. One day...my DHH will notice me again...My EX will notice me again....but more importantly I will KNOW me!
So..that is why this title is what it is...a beginning to the end...because although everyone around me is none the wiser, I have begun a journey, an exploration to find ME.....Watch out ME...Here I COME.....
So today I weigh 260 pounds...I was tossing around 230 - 240 before I quit smoking but after I let that go I managed to find the magical number of 260. Of course in my mind I will never eat again! but we all know that is not true...what will I do ... Im not sure ... but I do know this ... this time next year ... I will be unrecognizable!
Im not doing this for DHH, nor my EX, nor my children, but...only for myself...My gift to me!
Good Luck Morning Starr.......
Well guess what...I am WAKING UP!!!!
Today I found out some disturbing news....my DHH, (dear half husband), has some extra curricular activities that he chooses to keep disclosed from me. He has found a new hobby of supporting other women and their needs, dreams, hopes, and wishes...of course while all scantily clad. The website mygirlfund is quite amusing really...all these young girls basically begging for money while exposing themselves for it while old bastard men...such as my DHH...amuses themselves into thinking they matter.
Maybe I should back up here...Maybe this would not be a problem if my DHH and I had a healthy normal intimate life but we dont. As a matter of fact he has not interest in me whatsoever! He has not touched me intimately in almost a year and only 2 time thus far this year! I am anxious to see what next year holds for us.
It has came about that he has his own secret life, I guess I just stumbled in the rabbit hole and found it. I could take the victim role...again...as I did with my ex...but this time...NO...Im done! Im done with the hurt, the humility, the pain that it causes me emotionally. Guess what...I DONT care anymore!
So...today...I get myself back...I get revenge maybe...I find freedom. One day...my DHH will notice me again...My EX will notice me again....but more importantly I will KNOW me!
So..that is why this title is what it is...a beginning to the end...because although everyone around me is none the wiser, I have begun a journey, an exploration to find ME.....Watch out ME...Here I COME.....
So today I weigh 260 pounds...I was tossing around 230 - 240 before I quit smoking but after I let that go I managed to find the magical number of 260. Of course in my mind I will never eat again! but we all know that is not true...what will I do ... Im not sure ... but I do know this ... this time next year ... I will be unrecognizable!
Im not doing this for DHH, nor my EX, nor my children, but...only for myself...My gift to me!
Good Luck Morning Starr.......
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)